Dads

I saw this article the other day (thanks Trixie!), and it prompted several thoughts.  As I've said before, I don't really want this to be a parenting blog, but parenting is kind of a big part of my life now, so it would be silly to pretend it'll never come up.  Call it scope creep, maybe, or just a digression.  Either way, you'll just have to deal with it, because I write what I want, and y’all can’t stop me.  (However, I do not have an 808 in my heart beat.)

First of all, I think it's fantastic the number of articles I've been seeing lately about how moms need to lay off each other and feel okay admitting that life is hard sometimes and not everything is perfect.  And not just articles, but entire blogs, even!  I think our society places a ridiculous amount of pressure on mothers, especially, to enjoy every minute because this is just the most perfect time of your life, etc., etc., etc. 

And the more that women can speak up and say, "This is crap, and it's not true, and it's okay to talk about how things really are," and read things by other women saying that, then the more women will actually be able to enjoy parenting, because they won't be weighed down by irrational guilt for feeling the (perfectly normal) way they do.

However, what I haven't seen nearly as much (hardly at all, really) is similar articles and blogs for fathers.  (I'm sure they're out there, but I don't think they're anywhere near as common.)  And this article started me wondering why that is.  Why aren't there any articles out there addressed to the furious dad in the parking lot, telling him it's understandable to mad at his kids every now and then?  Because every feeling, every reaction, that's described in the article I linked up top? I've felt them too.

So why aren't dads talking about it, too?  Is it that, as men, we're just not as comfortable sharing our feelings (or even admitting to them)?  Is it that men are in these circumstances less often by dint of being less involved?

I think it's at least a mix of both these things (and probably some other reasons I haven't thought of), and neither of them is okay.

I get furious with my son sometimes.  And often over really stupid stuff, too, because I'm tired, or it's left over from work, or just because I'm fed up.  Then I feel guilty about it, and like a terrible parent, because what kind of a parent gets mad at their kid for simply being curious and enjoying the world around them?  And it's doubly worse every time my son yells at me to stop something, because I know that he's learned that from me.  So I resolve to do better next time, and the next time, and the next time...

One of the best pieces of advice we got before my son was born was that being a parent helps you to understand why child abuse happens.  Of course, the vast, vast majority of parents would never actually abuse their child, because there's a huge difference between understanding and doing.  But I also think most parents, if they're being honest, would admit that the idea crosses their mind when their baby won’t stop crying, when their toddler is being outrageously stubborn, when their little kid breaks something valuable that you told them roughly 153,897,205 times not to touch/play with/throw things at.

So yeah, it sounds like a terrible thing to say (and awfully flippant about a horrible thing like child abuse, to boot), but it's true, and just hearing that sort of thing from someone else, that you'll feel this way, and that it's normal, is incredibly reassuring.  And I think it's just as important for dads to hear that as moms, because we’re all parents, and we all feel these things for the same reason, and it’s normal for all of us.

I am a co-parent.  I love spending time with my son.  When I get home from work, I'm the one who gets him up from his afternoon nap.  I play with him, I cook dinner with him, I give him his bath, and I read him bedtime stories and tuck him in.  On weekends, I'm generally the primary caretaker.  And I'm happy to do it, because I want that time with him, and I'm able to have that time with him, and because my wife, being a SAHM, is with him the rest of the time and needs some time to herself.  I get grown-up time at work, and she doesn't.

Do I get a little bitter sometimes that I have less free time?  Of course I do!  There are times I don't want to do anything after I get home from work, or that I want to be able to do whatever I want on the weekend.  And if it bothers me enough, we can generally work something out.  But as a parent, taking care of my son is just as important of a job as anything else.

Society doesn't seem to really consider dads as co-parents with moms.  In many ways, we really haven't progressed all that far from the 1950s stereotype of a dad coming home from the office, and putting his feet up with the newspaper and a martini until dinner is ready.  Being a co-parent often seems to be considered un-manly, or even feminine.  And I think that's crap.

I do not “babysit” my child.  I do not “help out” with him.  I do not “watch” him for the day.  I’m his parent!  And being a parent to him is just as much my responsibility as it is my wife’s.  It’s a sign of how ingrained this mindset is in society, though, that it’s hard to even find ways in the English language to talk about a dad being the one present with his child instead of the mom that don’t involve the phrases I used above.  By default, we seem to assume that dads spending one-on-one time with their children are somehow going above and beyond.  That’s not okay.

Look, I’m not here to be all Judgy McJudgerson at other dads, especially given what I said above about moms laying off each other.  There are about as many different arrangements as there are families.  There are SAHMs, SAHDs, families with both parents working, families with parents working long or odd hours, single parents who are freaking superheroes because how on Earth do you manage, and so on.  It’s up to each family to decide what works best for them as a family.  That can require a lot of negotiation and give-and-take.  Relationships already require that, obviously, but kids magnify any underlying issues exponentially.  As long as both parties can agree on an arrangement, then more power to them.

But this is why I’m starting to think that somehow we need to get rid of “mother” and “father”.  I mean, seriously, when have gendered labels ever helped things?  And these terms, especially, carry a huge weight of societal history and baggage.

(No, I don’t have any good suggestions for alternatives, and a kid certainly needs something to call their parents.  I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out.)

Really, I’m in favor of pretty much getting rid of all societal expectations of gender roles (barring those that are biological, obviously, such as pregnancy), and we’ve made a lot of progress in that area (and still have a long way to go).  And gendered terms carry an implicit understanding of gender roles, which is why areas where gender roles are disappearing tend to also lose their differentiating gendered terms (consider steward/stewardess to flight attendant, for example).

It’s up to each of us to determine what kind of parent we’re going to be, based on our personalities, our desires, and our relationships.  If you really want to maintain traditional “mother” and “father” roles, and that works for you and your parenting partner, then go for it!  But do it because that’s what you want and what works best for you, not because there’s some sort of expectation that it’s what you’ll do.  And if you want to mix things up from the “traditional”, you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re fighting against expectations.

I don’t want your expectations that I have to be the primary breadwinner (I am, but because that’s what works for us).  I don’t want your expectations that because I’m just the dad, that it’s okay (or even expected!) for me to work long hours or otherwise be gone from my family.  I don’t want your expectations that when I’m at the park with my son, or running errands, or otherwise being the parent responsible for him at a given time, that I was “stuck” with him, or that I’m going above and beyond to humor my wife’s supposedly selfish desire for time to herself.

In the end, we’re all just parents. With whatever roles and responsibilities we want and need to take on.  And all in need of the same support and validation.

Plus, I'm tired of reading articles for moms to get my validation.  Way too few sports analogies.