Welcome back to the "Poor Driving" blog post series! I'm not sure what it says about me or the rest of you that my most popular post so far has been the one where I cuss up a blue streak, but don't worry, we're not going to mess with a good thing. So here we go...
Alright, you shitty Seattle drivers. In case you missed it, there was yet another fucking survey recently to verify that not only are you shitty drivers, you're actually somehow managing to get shittier. I didn't think that was possible, but there you have it.
So last time, we walked you through how to get your fucking act together and get onto the fucking freeway without clogging things up like you just took a giant shit in the on-ramp. As you may recall, part of the lesson was to get your fucking ass up to freeway speed while you're still in the goddamn on-ramp. And while "freeway speed" should be intuitive as hell in this case, you clearly struggle with the concept once you're on the freeway, which is fucking the rest of us over harder than a St. Louis County cop. So let's review a few concepts that you should have learned years ago in your damn driver's ed class.
Go the fucking speed limit
It's not that fucking hard. Yes, yes, there are caveats:
"Oh my God, I can't see through my windshield because water is coming down like I'm in bed with R. Kelly!" Okay, yes, you can slow down.
"Oh my God, there are raindrops on my windshield!" Don't you fucking even. (Funniest, yet most infuriating, experience on the freeway? Seeing a wave of a brake lights a half-mile ahead of me and knowing that it's going to start raining when I get there.)
"But the traffic in front of me is only going 20 mph because people around here are shitty mergers!" Yes, you're right, and there's not much you can do about this.
"But there are other cars on the road with me!" Give me your damn driver's license so I can shred it.
Etc., etc. But here's the bottom line: Under normal traffic conditions, there is no goddamn reason not to go the motherfucking speed limit. Don't want to go any faster? Fine! I can respect that. Keep your ass in the right-hand lane, and I'll mentally nod respectfully in your direction as I pass you. BUT GO THE GODDAMN SPEED LIMIT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
If you are not passing cars, get the fuck out of the left lanes.
I'm undecided on what the worst cause of this is, obliviousness or vigilantism, but they both piss me off. This is actually LAW people. There are fucking signs along I-90 through Issaquah (and probably elsewhere) because you're so bad at this. I've seen them! Stay right except to pass. Cruising in the left-hand lanes and forcing me to move right (if I even can) to pass you will make me mad. Very, very mad.
If you're oblivious, I'll just want to punch you for being a shitty driver. If you're doing it because you feel God has ordained you with some sort of fucking deputy badge to enforce the goddamn speed limit that you're barely going, then think again. Even the police don't want you doing this, because it's not your goddamn responsibility, and you're going to piss people off and make things more dangerous than speeders would be. So knock it the fuck off.
For the love of all that is good and holy and wonderful in this world, learn to maintain a constant speed.
There are a couple scenarios here:
Uphill
Let's review some really fucking basic physics here. We won't even use any math, so you've got absolutely no fucking excuse to not follow here. Going uphill is harder than going downhill or level, right? Because gravity? Right. Okay. So what the fuck do you think is going to happen if you go up a hill without pressing harder on the accelerator? Yes, you're going to slow down. Don't do that. Don't you fucking do that. Press your fucking foot down on the gas pedal and get your shitty driving ass up the goddamn hill. I don't want to find myself stuck behind you suddenly going 45 because you don't get this basic physics problem that my three-year-old has already figured out on his fucking trike.
Passing
To be honest, I can't think of a single thing more likely to turn me into a raging asshole of righteous driverly fury than finally getting to pass someone who's been going way too fucking slowly, only to have them speed up by about 10-15 mph as I try to do so. I honestly don't understand this. Did you not realize how slowly you were going until I tried to pass you, and you noticed that you were only going about 2/3 of the allowed speed? If so, why the fuck can't you wait until I'm past you to speed up? Why the fuck do you have to do it right now? Or are you just a gigantic asshole who doesn't want me to pass you? I've actually seen a couple people like that, who sped up until I abandoned the passing attempt, only to have them slow back down once I'm back behind them. I just... what the hell?
Luckily, there's a really easy solution for both of these scenarios in many cases, and it's already built right into your car! It's called the cruise control. You already paid for this fucking miracle of engineering, so you might as well use it to be less of an asshole on the road.
But not every situation lends itself to the use of cruise control, I understand. In those cases, you're just going to have to put on your big boy pants and learn how to be less of a shitty driver all on your very own. God help us all.
Oh, and one time to absolutely not maintain your speed? When you're right next to another fucking vehicle and you're going the same fucking speed! Because do you know what happens? You two assholes block the road and keep anyone from getting around you! So speed up or slow down or do something, dipshit, and stop blocking the fucking road!
Exiting the Freeway
Basic driver's ed instruction is that you don't start slowing down until after you've exited the goddamn freeway. So don't slow down until you're off the goddamn freeway. Assholes.
Tunnels
Saving the best for last here, and I've got a particular tunnel in mind: the I-90 Eastbound Mount Baker tunnel. Let me make this abundantly clear: there is abso-fucking-lutely no reason to slow down when going through this goddamn tunnel. None. Whatsoever. Period. End of fucking discussion.
Here's the thing. You shitty drivers manage to drive for hundreds of miles without touching the shoulder line once. But suddenly there's a fucking tunnel wall three feet away on the other side of the line you don't fucking cross anyways, and you freak out and slam on the brakes? What. The. Fuck.
Yes, the lane also narrows slightly. So the fuck what? The lane divider stripe keeps going straight, and there's still plenty of room in each lane. There's no fucking merge. There're no fucking lane adjustments. Just keep fucking driving, and you'll be fine. Stop slamming on your fucking brakes!
This goes for the ramp from I-5 Northbound to the Express lanes (by the Seneca exit) as well. Yes, it's dark in there when it's sunny out. But you know what? You get your own fucking lane, and if there's a slowdown, you'll see the bright red glow of the goddamn brake lights from all of the cars in front of you that are slowing down! You're not going to be the first person surprised by a backup, dipshit! So get your ass into the tunnel and stop fucking up the traffic patterns all the way back to the West Seattle Bridge because you're a fucking baby.
TL;DR: Go the right speed and stay out of the way.
Alright, kind readers, anything else you'd like to add on freeway driving? Or should I move on to the civilization-ending disaster that are four-way stops next time?
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