Nice Guy Syndrome

This used to more or less be my strategy for getting girls:

It’s not a perfect example, because my approach was, I like to think, rather less sinister and Stockholm Syndrome-y, but as in the comic, I figured that if the object of my affection (phrase chosen advisedly) just got to know what a nice guy I was, of course they’d fall for me eventually.  How could they not?  I’m such a nice guy.  Who wouldn’t want me?

Remarkably, it didn’t ever work.    I’m sure you’re all shocked. 

But then again, being bad at small talk and romance in general, I didn’t exactly feel like I had a plethora of options before me (whether or not I actually did), and this is certainly the path of least resistance.  Who doesn’t like the path of least resistance?  It works for electricity, why shouldn’t it work for the rest of us?  It's just not fair!

 

Anyways, when it inevitably failed, out came the standard line about girls supposedly wanting nice guys.  XKCD has a nice summation of that, too (yes, I really like XKCD.  Why do you ask?):

Because, of course, just being a nice guy has absolutely nothing to do with common interests, chemistry, or any of the other things that actually have anything to do with the connections required for an actual relationship.

Ultimately, it’s really an entitlement issue.  I think I’m a great guy; I’m certainly better than a lot of the other guys out there, right?  So therefore don’t I deserve what I want? 

The answer, of course, is no.  (Just in case that needed clarification.)  Being a nice guy doesn’t entitle you to squat, nor should it.  But it’s a comforting line to feed yourself.  Certainly beats the alternative, anyways.  (At least until you consider some of the implications contained within it.)

I think I’m fortunate, in some respects (well, in a lot of respects, but we'll stick to the relevant ones here).  Due in a large part to band (which is, again, awesome) and other academic programs, I’ve had, pretty much since I started school, at least as many female friends as male friends, if not more.  (And the vast majority of them were not subject to this.  Again, just to clarify, since many of them will possibly be reading this.)  And as you would expect, they were all smart, capable people that it never occurred to me to treat as anything but equal.

Likewise, the Internet didn’t really exist, as we know it today, even through most of high school, which means it wasn’t nearly as easy to talk to people not-in-person.  That, in turn, meant that your only real interaction with people was face-to-face, rather than behind a shield of anonymity.

And so I never fell into any sort of bitterness or other ill feeling towards women.  Any sense of entitlement I might have developed was nicely kept in check.  Not gone, if I’m going to be honest, and certainly enough for me to be a bit whiny at times, but certainly very limited.  And women certainly weren't anything to be feared (except when asking them out on dates or to marry me; that's all still nerve-wracking even when you know the answer will be yes, and even worse when you don't), looked down upon, hated, resented, etc., etc.

But without those sorts of positive influences, and the absence of negative influences, I can see how things might have gone differently.  While I'd like to think that my innate goodness, purity and innocence (I can keep going if you want...) would keep me from heading down that path, I know better.  I know, from experience, that I can be swayed into doing things, or at least going along with things, that I later might not be, y'know, super proud of.  (Don't worry, Mom and Dad, nothing criminal or self-destructive, I promise.)  It's not fun to admit, but self-awareness is generally a good thing, right?

And that's with all of the positivity and stuff.  Without it, who knows?

Don't get me wrong, I am not excusing, in the slightest, anyone who goes down this path.  Harassing or hurting others is never okay.  All I'm saying is that I can understand how someone can wind up there without necessarily any evil or malicious intent, but just because they didn't have anyone to bring them back.  And understanding is an important step to fixing the situation.  But more on that next time!

(Note: I actually had this mostly written before the events in Marysville on Friday.  I honestly have no idea if there's any connection between what I'm describing here and the shooter, but I sat on this for a couple days to give it some space, just in case.)