Metaphorical Beverages

So Selena Gomez has a new single out, “Hands to Myself”.  Yes, I pay attention to these things, and no, it doesn’t make me a teenage girl, no matter what certain people may try to claim.  It just means I have eclectic musical tastes.  So there.  (Except for Ed Sheeran.  Can’t stand his music, especially since I read this article, which rang a few bells.)

I actually really like this song, and it keeps getting stuck in my head.  Plus, I’m a sucker for the chord progression, regardless of how utterly common it is (well, there’s a reason for that, isn’t there?  Kind of like the Pachelbel’s Canon chord progression, some things just work better than others).  And as far as I can tell, it’s not a song about Justin Bieber, so hooray for moving on!

But there’s one GLARING problem with this song.  I suppose you could say two, but it’s just the same line a second time.

The verses to the song are done in a rather sparse, staccato (or at least detached; it’s hard to sing staccato without sounding like you’re spitting the words out) style.  It’s a little unusual, but it’s a neat sound once you get used to it.  And for the most part, the lyrics stick to one- or two-syllable words, which works just fine.

And then you get to the line.  The dreaded, cringe-worthy line that nearly made me hate the song before I had a chance to like it:

“You’re metaphorical gin-and-juice”.

Wow.

This line is terrible on both stylistic and lyrical levels.  There’s really no redeeming feature to this line other than the fact that it actually fits the meter.  (That’s always a plus.)

Stylistically, if you’re going to be using this detached style, you simply cannot use five-syllable words.  One syllable?  Fine, you’re just spacing out the words.  Two syllables?  Still works; you don’t lose the flow of the word too much with the break. 

But five syllables?  You sound like you’re sounding out the word, or very carefully overpronouncing it to make sure you get it right, kind of my like 4-year-old saying the word “archipelago”.  It’s just not… no.  Don’t do that.

Lyrically, it’s just completely unnecessary.  Of course it’s a metaphor!  Songs use metaphors all the time!  Everyone knows that, and is familiar with the concept of metaphors.  Spelling it out (nearly literally, given the enunciation) is just awkward and makes the line feel even weirder.  No one (except maybe Jimmy Buffett?) is going to be singing a song about actual gin-and-juice (although if he did, it would probably have the word “archipelago” in it). 

BUT! Selena Gomez is someone whose bigger hits include two songs basically about songs.  Like, the songs are using songs as metaphors.  This is either brilliantly meta, or a giant red flag about her competence with metaphors.

Plus, looking at the lyrics, there’s literally no reason why this couldn’t actually be a song dedicated to gin-and-juice.  Every line works equally as well in a literal or a metaphorical context!  Including the lines that don’t really work in either context, because they don’t really make sense.  (Pre-chorus, I’m looking at you here.  “All of the downs and the uppers keep making love to each other”?  What does that even mean?) 

So maybe it’s a good thing after all that she’s clarifying that this is intended to be a metaphor. 

Or maybe I’ll just have fun substituting the words “my most-fav'rite drink” for “metaphorical” the next time I hear it.